Tonight we had our 2nd class; the topic was Grief & Loss. All of the couples in our class shared their stories that led to their decision to adopt. I was expecting to have a heavy night of tears and old wounds, but surprisingly, it was a pretty mild time. I was shocked to learn that we are the only couple in our class to have actually lost a baby. Most of the couples aren’t able to conceive, while there is one couple who can, but they are choosing to add to their family by adopting.
I usually have a hard time holding back tears when I tell our story, not because I’m not healing, but because a mother will always have a swell of emotions when thinking about a baby she lost. I don’t know, maybe it’s because my anticipation for you is so great! Maybe it’s because I have never been more confident of God’s perfect plan, and have never trusted Him with such abandon as I do right now. I think it’s a combination of all those things and more! I wish I had all day to sit down and write out everything that I’m learning right now, but hopefully these small glimpses into our lives will make sense. Needless to say, I’m overwhelmed daily by the rich truths and life-changing lessons the Lord is laying heavy on me.
This whole process is still going to prove to refine me. I have not arrived. We are not at the end of this story. Even when you arrive and are brought into our home, there will be raw days of grieving while rejoicing, of this I am sure. We do not have a, “Look how God answered our specific prayer so quickly and exactly as we wanted” kind of story. You know what, sweet child… I’m glad we don’t! I wouldn’t trade the fullness of what God is doing in me for another way. I wouldn’t trade you for another outcome. You are the answer. God designed adoption, therefore it is good! I cannot wait to see what He will continue to teach us from the “road less traveled”. I want you to know that life is not easy, or fair, or even makes sense most of the time, but know this…”You will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast, because he trusts in you.” Isaiah 26:3
Trust in Him, child, it is worth it!
Love you,
Mama
Aww, honey! I love how you write this blog to your baby. It’s so sweet. He or she is going to know how much you love and want him or her from the first moment you hold them. Your angel baby was part of this plan. You’ll know when you hold your baby in your arms that it was always meant to happen this way, and I hope that you will always have a peace about it, even though your heart aches to know what could have been. I love you, girl. You’re already a mother, but I can’t wait to see you holding your child. <3
Thanks Annette! You’ve been with me through it all! I can’t wait to hold my baby
I love you!
Lindsay – I can’t tell you how heartwarming it is to read your baby blog… you have such a huge heart. I am so happy for you and your family. I love reading about your journey – your optimism and spiritualism is amazing. Love, hugs and many prayers to you along this path… ~ Kristie